I am sitting here behind my computer while Em is in the other room working on a coloring project. I have not been logging events over the past few days as it’s just been too exhausting with just trying to keep up with keeping Em out of the hospital (and dealing with the backlash of the devastating blow from Mat’s ordeal on Friday as well). And, as you might expect, because of all of this, my training has, once again, taken a back seat. I have not been able to do anything since my wind sprints on Thursday.

After I brought Em home from pre-school on Friday and started making her lunch, she kept clearing her throat profusely. I got the humidifier going in her room, administered some homeopathic treatments and supplements, and put her down for her nap. It didn’t take long for the coughing to start up, which always sets me on edge as I know what, potentially, it could turn into for my girls, if I can’t get it under control.

Once I hear it, no matter what I am doing (awake or asleep), it will stop me dead in my tracks, and I will listen intently until it has subsided. Em’s coughing seemed to persist to the point of turning me into a bundle of nerves. I couldn’t think, function or get any of my much-needed work done. It shook me at my core, and large tears filled my eyes. I finally stopped what I was doing, hung my head over my keyboard and prayed to God to use his supernatural powers to heal my child. Moments later her cough improved somewhat, but I was still a nervous wreck. Devon’s dad was showing up soon to pick her up for the weekend and Em and I still needed to pick Mat up from work, so I had to get myself together.

I decided to feed Em some chicken noodle soup and pita bread with butter for dinner, to keep it simple, and to give her immune system a bit of a boost. After a few bites, she said she was full, but her dad insisted she eat more.

Around 9pm, I heard her stirring and in distress. Even though I had gone through the whole routine of giving her everything I could to suppress her cough and had the humidifier on full blast, her cough was persistent to the point of turning into a full-blown bark. I went in to comfort her, but Em was coughing so hard that she ended up vomiting – all over me, her bed, and the floor.

I rushed her into the bathroom, but it was too late. She had vomited all over the bathroom floor and because it was tile, it splattered everywhere. She was crying so hard that it was starting to obstruct her breathing. I tried to get her to calm down, but it was no use. All I could think to do was to get the steam going in the shower and to have her start breathing it in. Em kept complaining that she wanted out, but I wouldn’t let her and kept encouraging her to breathe in through her nose and out her mouth.

I stripped her down to her undies and stayed in the bathroom with her. After her breathing seemed less shallow, I wrapped her in a towel to take her outside and have her breathe in the air out there, but, to my surprise, it was actually more warm and humid (this usually works well on cold winter nights, not so much in early fall). I had to think quick. I scooped Em up and ran her out into the garage with me. I opened up the door to the deep freeze and, with her resting on my squatted legs, had her stick her head inside the freezer and breathe deep. It worked! Her breath was no longer raspy, and her airways appeared to now be clear.

I picked Em up and carried her into the living room. I snuggled her in my arms in one of the bucket chairs until she started dozing off. I brushed her hair out of her face and gave her a gentle squeeze, grateful for being able to just be still and to hold my little girl, not caring about anything else at this moment. I said one last prayer, then carried Em to her room. Before I left, I positioned my hand on top of her head and uttered the words, “I place you in God’s hands.”

She slept sound for awhile, then around Midnight I was aroused by her barking cough. I jumped out of bed and went to Em’s side. I contemplated staying in her room with her, but with it being a complete mess, wasn’t quite sure where to position myself without risking making too much noise and waking her up (which would then start her coughing to ensue). Instead, I just stood over her, watching her intently, placing my hand on various parts of her body to make sure that she was still breathing. I didn’t want to leave. After about 20 minutes of being somewhat convinced that Em was OK, I returned to my room. My lower back was on fire, telling me it was not happy with me when I tried to lie down and go back to sleep.

I spent the next two hours awake, afraid to go back to sleep. I prayed over the health of my child repetitiously until I eventually drifted back to sleep. Em was famously up at 6am and Mat had to be at work by 8am. With her health still on the brink, I was not going to chance leaving her and going for a run (especially since Mat still has not taken any first aid or CPR classes).

I made the entire day about Em, doing whatever she wanted to do for the day. She opted for paying “kitchen,” then doing her block puzzle. We took Chomps for his few scheduled walks, I made Em something to eat, and then put her down for an early nap. So, needless to say, virtually nothing else except caring for Em, the dogs, and folding a few loads of laundry got done on Saturday.

I tried resting a bit during Em’s no-nap, but after she had another bout of vomiting, it was all over for me and back to resuming the care for her. I decided a bath would do her some good before we had to pick up Mat from work.

Mat wanted to know what was for dinner. My response was “whatever you want to make for yourself.” I ended up making some organic shells and cheese for Em, along with some fresh fruit. On the way home, I stopped at Bed, Bath & Beyond and used my 20% off coupon to purchase a Sharper Image humidifier I’ve had my eye on for quite some time. I realized that it was $50, even with the coupon, and that I was putting us at further risk by using money that could potentially make or break rent next week, but I also couldn’t chance Em’s health getting any worse. And, if this humidifier will help improve her breathing, and, in turn, get her back on the road to recovery quicker, it was a risk I was willing to take. (I can say that I probably slept better last night than I have in a long time, in the history of my kids being sick, due to the implementation of this new device.)

With Mat still not offering any condolences for his behavior and expecting things to just slide back into “normal,” I really had no desire to do anything with him. By 9pm, I was thoroughly exhausted and ready to call it a night.

In true fashion, Em was up by 6am. She slept peacefully through the night without issue but was still congested and coughing when she woke up. I irrigated her nose, encouraged her to go potty, then laid down with her a bit in her room (per her request). She refused to lie still, so I returned to my room and asked Em to play quietly in her room so I could rest a bit longer. When it was obvious that Mat was not going to get up any time soon, after saying my morning prayers and doing my morning stretches quickly, I began getting things in order to prepare to take Mat to a new work location.

I asked Mat to get Em some juice while I took Chomps on his morning walk. When I returned, I made myself some coffee and Em some homemade organic oatmeal for breakfast while Mat took a shower and got himself ready for work.

Since last night, Mat has been short-tempered and irritable with Em. This morning, while I was in the kitchen, I could hear Mat yelling at Em, which resulted in her crying. I finally went into the living room to see what was going on. I guess Em had run into Mat, who was seated, and ended up racking him in the groin (I had to stifle my grin after he told me, seeing this encounter as a bit of poetic justice). Em was now seated on the ottoman, in tears.

I reminded Mat about our conversation on Friday. How I had asked him to search his soul and to reach out to whoever he needed to, to figure out what he needed to do to keep from losing me, this family, and basically everything that matters to him. I further cautioned him to not return to the home and just pretend that nothing happened; that he needed to demonstrate to me and the girls how truly sorry he was for his choices. Since then, nothing has happened. Mat has made absolutely no effort in trying to rectify what he did.

What he has done is turned the dynamics of our household into a negative one, with Em acting out, and Mat reacting to it in an angry manner. It has also caused me to become more distant and stand-offish with him. Thank God Devon has not been here as that would’ve only elevated matters to a whole ‘nother level.

I brought this up this morning, too. That my motives in wanting him to be accountable for his choices wasn’t just for my benefit, but for the entire family, as, the longer he goes on not dealing with actions, the more guilty he is going to feel, causing him to possess a low-self image. And, the worse he feels about himself, the more he is going to take things out on us.

So, the car ride to Mat’s new location (in which Em told him this morning, “you have a lot of works”) was an enjoyable one of Mat constantly getting irritated with Em about her kicking the back of the seat, not covering her mouth while coughing, and playing with the a plastic sack even though she didn’t have to vomit.

So, as I sit here, with Em acting out, as I am at my limit of leaving her unattended to play by herself, and Chomps whining because he is wanting to go for his mid-morning walk, I find myself in a bit of a quandary. I can’t really offer up any ultimatums to Mat as I’m not in a financial situation to support the girls and I should it backfire on me. Yet, I don’t feel I should have to just lie down and take it (as setting boundaries with him is virtually impossible and he’s been saying for weeks that he was going to schedule counseling time for us and for himself, Devon and I, and has yet to make it a priority). I’m honestly at my end as to what to do.

I do know that I’m tired. Tired of playing the “insanity game,” tired of having things go wrong and being left to take care of these things by myself; tired of going three days with my hair in braids and wearing a ball cap; tired of me and the girls having to pay for Mat’s choices; tired of taking time away from my girls in having to deal with his antics, as it’s not fair to them.

I also fear that because of Em’s recent episode, that it may jeopardize her future with pre-school as I’m not sure that I’m comfortable with her going to one of the mom’s homes and/or if the other mom is comfortable with having Em over, due to not wanting to have to deal with risking being responsible for giving her something that could make her sick.

Tomorrow, I have to trust that I will be able to resume my workouts and get the very important project that is due done, all while caring for Em, getting Dev to school, and driving Mat to yet another new location tomorrow (in which he will not be taking a day off this week due to what happened last weekend).

Regardless, all I CAN do, is take things one day at a time, one task at a time, one breath at a time, giving all of these unknowns over to God, remembering to be grateful for what I DO have, and in knowing that He has all of this under His perfect control.

-NH

(Written 8/26/12)